I can’t remember the last day that passed without a thought of suicide. I’ve thought about it as long as i can remember. I have suicidal thoughts going back to the single digits (this is not uncommon for autists). Suicidal thoughts are so frequent for me that i often consider carrying a book around to track them, just to know if i ever have days without one. (I haven’t done this for fear that i don’t.) Practically anything can trigger…
Today i’d like to discuss work. And sweat. I have hyperhidrosis. It presents (for me) as excessive sweating on my hands, feet, neck, back, and under-arms. The more i sweat, the more i worry about sweating, and the more i sweat… As you can imagine, this leads to a pretty vicious cycle. It also goes unrecognized by others and is an invisible disability in this way. Showering provides little relief. I am sweating as soon as i step out and…
Discovering as an adult that i am autistic has meant re-framing the cornucopia of my life-long struggles. For example, i have shitty fine-motor skills; i suck at balancing; i sometimes look away in conversation; i bite my cheeks; i have sweaty extremities; i am pained by bright lighting; i repeat things spontaneously. Or, i’m weird; i’m awkward; i’m different; i’m flawed; i’m gifted; i’m wrong; i’m special. The best thing about this discovery? I’ve finally identified a single “cause” for…
Content Warning: trauma, bullying, violence, death, micro-aggressions, spoilers I think i’ll take this week to switch things up with a film analysis. While i’ve previously discussed autism in contemporary media twice — the film Mary and Max, here, and the U.S. TV series The Office, here — i’ve not done so in a while, nor at such length. Today i want to explore The Accountant‘s portrayals of autism, disability, and pencak silat (abbr., silat) I saw it in theaters with…
Pinball brain (n.) is a term roughly defined by my friend as “the state and feeling of [one’s] brain being lit up like a pinball machine“. The connotative meaning of this term is (generally) positive, being associated with feelings of cognitive stimulation, joyousness, pleasure, and life. This term enlightened me as to why i have such a particular love for death metal. And why i sometimes abhor my tendency to perseverate. To illustrate the latter, my linear sequencing tendency makes…