Today is the last day of 2023, and i haven’t posted since August 2022, however, it is merely a coincidence that i am posting at this time after so long. Big changes are coming to my life (and this website), and i want to inform those of you who are tuned in to what you might expect of me in 2024. As of this month, and despite chronic hopelessness and emotional anguish (2023 has looked/felt like hell on Earth to…
In brief: life outside of being a full-time counselor at a dysfunctional inpatient mental health rehabilitation program for people experiencing moderate to severe mental ill-health is challenging for me right now. I have written. Drafts on things that have helped me realize i’m autistic; the word ‘neuroqueer’; and my thoughts on the state of violence in the world. Yet i have not been able to finish them because of my current inability to translate my feelings into thoughts and words….
I wrote my last blog post over a year ago. It was about what it’s like for me to want to suicide every day. A lot has happened for me since then. I graduated with my master’s in social work. Moved back to my hometown, to a house by the beach in the neighborhood i was born in. Got a job near my house where i am earning my LCSW hours. Wrote and delivered a sermon about autism and mental…
I can’t remember the last day that passed without a thought of suicide. I’ve thought about it as long as i can remember. I have suicidal thoughts going back to the single digits (this is not uncommon for autists). Suicidal thoughts are so frequent for me that i often consider carrying a book around to track them, just to know if i ever have days without one. (I haven’t done this for fear that i don’t.) Practically anything can trigger…
It hadn’t dawned on me until this week that the reason i’ve been attracted to martial arts most of my life is directly because of my autistic-ness (e.g., my love and need for stimming; routines; structure; etc.). While i waltzed ignorantly into my first experience with martial arts (Kun Khmer), i pursued Pencak Silat (abbr., silat) out of a fascination for its beauty that i could not explain until — seriously — just this week. My fascination for silat came…
Today i’d like to discuss work. And sweat. I have hyperhidrosis. It presents (for me) as excessive sweating on my hands, feet, neck, back, and under-arms. The more i sweat, the more i worry about sweating, and the more i sweat… As you can imagine, this leads to a pretty vicious cycle. It also goes unrecognized by others and is an invisible disability in this way. Showering provides little relief. I am sweating as soon as i step out and…
My name is joshua. My pronouns are they/them/theirs and joshua.I am neuro-queer and gender-vague. I also have no name; or pronouns; or neuro-type; or gender; and i am no-one. Having a break-down woke me up to the understanding that my identity has been largely shaped by external sources. “My” given birth-name is Joshua, and “my” given nick-name is Josh. “My” given pronouns are he/him, and “my” given “sex/gender” is male/man. And so on. I didn’t choose these things as fundamental…
TL;DR appears post-script. First and fore-most, let me say that functioning labels are not formal medical or clinical terms with regard to autism. They are not formally recognized medical conditions them-selves, and the DSM (or what i ironize as “the clinician’s dictionary”) no longer recognizes “low- or high-functioning autism” as official classifications (note that they were actually never diagnoses). This distinction is necessary (in my opinion) when philosophizing about issues of “good and bad” (in this case, whether or not…
I’m an alien from inner space.– Jamila Woods Things stick with me. When i wash my hands, the line from the HBO series Westworld about the mechanicality (i also love making up words) of soap inevitably manifests in my mind. When my dog kisses me, i am inevitably (and immediately) reminded of Cat Stevens’ I Love My Dog, which begins to play inside my head. When i am given a play-by-play, i recall from the film 13 Going On 30 the (hilarious) line, Do whatever you…