Today is the last day of 2023, and i haven’t posted since August 2022, however, it is merely a coincidence that i am posting at this time after so long. Big changes are coming to my life (and this website), and i want to inform those of you who are tuned in to what you might expect of me in 2024. As of this month, and despite chronic hopelessness and emotional anguish (2023 has looked/felt like hell on Earth to…
In brief: life outside of being a full-time counselor at a dysfunctional inpatient mental health rehabilitation program for people experiencing moderate to severe mental ill-health is challenging for me right now. I have written. Drafts on things that have helped me realize i’m autistic; the word ‘neuroqueer’; and my thoughts on the state of violence in the world. Yet i have not been able to finish them because of my current inability to translate my feelings into thoughts and words….
I wrote my last blog post over a year ago. It was about what it’s like for me to want to suicide every day. A lot has happened for me since then. I graduated with my master’s in social work. Moved back to my hometown, to a house by the beach in the neighborhood i was born in. Got a job near my house where i am earning my LCSW hours. Wrote and delivered a sermon about autism and mental…
I can’t remember the last day that passed without a thought of suicide. I’ve thought about it as long as i can remember. I have suicidal thoughts going back to the single digits (this is not uncommon for autists). Suicidal thoughts are so frequent for me that i often consider carrying a book around to track them, just to know if i ever have days without one. (I haven’t done this for fear that i don’t.) Practically anything can trigger…
It hadn’t dawned on me until this week that the reason i’ve been attracted to martial arts most of my life is directly because of my autistic-ness (e.g., my love and need for stimming; routines; structure; etc.). While i waltzed ignorantly into my first experience with martial arts (Kun Khmer), i pursued Pencak Silat (abbr., silat) out of a fascination for its beauty that i could not explain until — seriously — just this week. My fascination for silat came…
Today i’d like to discuss work. And sweat. I have hyperhidrosis. It presents (for me) as excessive sweating on my hands, feet, neck, back, and under-arms. The more i sweat, the more i worry about sweating, and the more i sweat… As you can imagine, this leads to a pretty vicious cycle. It also goes unrecognized by others and is an invisible disability in this way. Showering provides little relief. I am sweating as soon as i step out and…
Discovering as an adult that i am autistic has meant re-framing the cornucopia of my life-long struggles. For example, i have shitty fine-motor skills; i suck at balancing; i sometimes look away in conversation; i bite my cheeks; i have sweaty extremities; i am pained by bright lighting; i repeat things spontaneously. Or, i’m weird; i’m awkward; i’m different; i’m flawed; i’m gifted; i’m wrong; i’m special. The best thing about this discovery? I’ve finally identified a single “cause” for…
Allists tap their fingers, but autists self-stimulate (abbr., stim). Put another way, as autistic author melanie yergeau writes, being diagnosed meant that “my hand and full-body movements became self-stimulatory behaviors”. But everyone stims(!), with contemporary (but nascent) research suggesting that “autism traits” are “distributed normally” throughout the entire human population (as discussed here). Semantics aside, stimming has been “re-claimed” (read: claimed) by actual autists (e.g., #StimFreely) as a means of taking pride in our bodies. This post, then, is meant to…
Content Warning: trauma, bullying, violence, death, micro-aggressions, spoilers I think i’ll take this week to switch things up with a film analysis. While i’ve previously discussed autism in contemporary media twice — the film Mary and Max, here, and the U.S. TV series The Office, here — i’ve not done so in a while, nor at such length. Today i want to explore The Accountant‘s portrayals of autism, disability, and pencak silat (abbr., silat) I saw it in theaters with…
Pinball brain (n.) is a term roughly defined by my friend as “the state and feeling of [one’s] brain being lit up like a pinball machine“. The connotative meaning of this term is (generally) positive, being associated with feelings of cognitive stimulation, joyousness, pleasure, and life. This term enlightened me as to why i have such a particular love for death metal. And why i sometimes abhor my tendency to perseverate. To illustrate the latter, my linear sequencing tendency makes…