I can’t remember the last day that passed without a thought of suicide. I’ve thought about it as long as i can remember.

I have suicidal thoughts going back to the single digits (this is not uncommon for autists).

Suicidal thoughts are so frequent for me that i often consider carrying a book around to track them, just to know if i ever have days without one.

(I haven’t done this for fear that i don’t.)

Practically anything can trigger thoughts of suicide for me, and these thoughts are often intrusive, graphic, and difficult to avoid or dispel.

For example, i take the bus and train nearly every day.

Like clockwork, i contemplate suicide as i see the bus or train approaching.

I imagine what my head would look like stepping into traffic. Or off of the train platform.

I literally can’t help it.

Often these intrusive, graphic thoughts increase my anxiety and lead to further thoughts of suicide.

Why am i having these thoughts? Why can’t i shake them? If i can’t shake them, will they last forever? Can i survive them forever?

Even the smallest stressor can trigger suicidal thoughts for me, particularly one associated with an ongoing struggle.

I think about suiciding every time i sweat. Will this last forever?

When i wake up with anxiety. Will this last forever?

When i’m depressed (all the time). Will this last forever?

When i have no appetite or access to safe foods and can’t feed my-self. Will this last forever?

When i struggle to afford my basic needs. Will this last forever?

When i am physically uncomfortable in my clothing. Will this last forever?

When i have difficulty concentrating and starting or completing tasks. Will this last forever?

When i have the best intentions but still end up hurting people. Will this last forever?

I cannot stress enough the amount of minute stressors that make me want to suicide on a daily basis.

Everywhere i go, and with everything i do, thoughts of suicide accompany me.

I think about suicide at work.

At the grocery store.

When i’m playing games.

When i’m practicing silat.

At school.

During meditation.

During a conversation.

In meetings.

While i’m eating.

While i’m shaving.

In the shower.

At the zoo.

On vacation.

So what does wanting to suicide every day feel like?

It feels like never knowing if my life will have a happy ending.

I think about suicide so much i find my-self wondering: why aren’t there more conversations about daily suicidal ideation? I can’t be the only one like this.

So that’s why i’m writing this post.

I think more people need to hear about the frequency, duration, context, content, and degree of suicidal ideation.

People need to know what it’s like to want to suicide every day, not just to be able to support people like me who experience it but to know they are not alone.

If you want to suicide every day, you are not alone.

If the smallest stressor regularly causes you suicidal ideation, you are not alone.

If you feel like life is “a video game with no end goal but to stay alive“, you are not alone.

If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.

❁

Thoughts? Leave a comment; start a conversation! Thank you for reading.